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1970s

Re-Discovering My Love for Awesomely Bad Movies

8:03:00 PM
Years ago, one of my favorite besties gave me a book called Bad Movies We Love. The authors preach about the best of the worst - from scenery chewing to ironic life imitates bad art characters. I have had it for well over a decade and it has seen a lot of use! I have read and re-read it. I have highlighted it to keep track of the films I've seen. I've used it as my bible to all things camp. I have worn my original copy down so much so, that it's missing the cover and a few pages. My boyfriend found a new, inexpensive copy on Amazon for me for Christmas this year.
So flash forward to January. I kicked off the New Year by having a much needed surgery. For someone like me who is self employed, this was the perfect time to take some down time and heal without missing too much work and project time. Unfortunately we are now into February, and I am still healing. After some unexpected complications, I am still running on the slow side. It has been rough.

In my search for something to keep me entertained while I heal, I picked up my beloved movie guide and began to criss-cross through the reviews looking for things I've never seen, or need to see again. I landed splat on the movie that started it all for me.


Xanadu.
I had to be maybe 7 or 8 the first time I saw Xanadu. I have mentioned in previous posts, I was a kid who loved musicals! I had no idea it was a bad movie. It wasn't until years later that I was finally in on the joke. That I saw how awesomely bad Xanadu was. And my love for it transcended. According to my Bad Movies bible, Xanadu was the creme de la creme of the Slay it With Music musicals.  I taped it off of TV (because that's what us old folks had to do back in the 80s!) And watched it to death. Olivia Newton John was this beautiful wholesome beacon on roller skates. She was one of the 9 Muses who came to Earth and decided she quite liked it. It made me wish for my own Muse. She falls for Swan from the Warriors (also an awesomely bad movie) and inspires he and an aging Gene Kelly to open a night club together. Swann quits his career in fine art as a painter for album covers (what's that?) They open their club, where they blend the 1940s and the 1970s in a train wreck - just - can't - look - away musical number, I shit you not. It's unreal. Watching this while stuck home in bed was such a positive for me. Not only did I relive my childhood, but I laughed my ass off.

Lady Sings the Blues
Oooh you are certainly getting schooled now children! This movie was my next must see! Another one I remember loving in my youth and yet again, had no clue it was a bad flick. Even now, I still think it walks the line. It has moments of amazing, this was Diana Ross's first movie role, and she took it very seriously. Also Richard Prior's first film, and he practically walks off with the whole movie. But it also has high camp moments, Diana Ross has a very big problem keeping those crazy eye balls in check. Not quite bugging all out like in another favorite, Mahogany, but dang close. There is a fine line between scenery chewing and acting your ass off. She walks it quite a bit as Lady Day, aka Billie Holiday. The story is a tragic tale full of sadness, rascism, rape and drug abuse. There are moments where you go from laughing at the movie to crying. But I guess that's what makes it such an interesting pick. Also this film features Mr. Billie Dee Williams, who I am a sucker for no matter what he's in. Watching it you can see why he was the Denzel of the 70s. He also worked with Ross again in the forementioned Mahogany. Give this one a real watch. Try and see both the camp and the love put in this flick. At the very least you may find Diana Ross dropping the N word over and over a little jaw dropping. I know I was scandalized.

Shanghai Surprise
Oh my God, I can hear the groans from here. In the mid 80s, Sean Penn and Madonna were the ultimate power couple. This movie seemed unstoppable. It was produced by George Harrison (I know right!) Who also provided some soundtrack goodness. The screenplay was written by infamous Algonquin Round Table author, Robert Benchley. This marriage of everything that should go right, but goes terribly, hilariously wrong, is my favorite kind of bad movie. Big Budget Flicks That Fall Flat on Their Faces. You can find my beloved Showgirls as the reigning queen of this category. This movie, set in what I think is the 1920s Shanghai, features Penn as a drunk swindler and Madonna as (hahahahahahaha) a virginal missionary nurse trying to find Opium to help her patients. Madonna whines and stamps her way through the flick, as Penn gets dirtier and drunker (method acting).  It ends in a train wreck that involves a dude named Joe Blow, porcelain hands, fake outs, explosions and waving goodbye like a psycho. You'll be glad it's over when it comes. Worth watching just for the sheer madness that was the Madonna / Penn marriage. It's like a peek inside a window of what brought them together and what made it fail. Get your popcorn!


camp classic

Molested By a Virgin at the Seymour Strand Theater

11:14:00 PM
THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW. If you don't know about the cult following of this film, you have been living under a rock since 1975. It is probably the original cult flick. The greatest of the cult flicks. So when I heard that it was actually playing in my home town of Seymour, I about came out of my skin.


Seymour is located in a little burrow of Connecticut called the Valley. Seymour, Ansonia, Derby, Shelton, Oxford, Beacon Falls and Naugatuck make up the recently dubbed All American Valley. This is a mix of mostly blue collar and middle class who work hard, play hard and are usually in bed by 10:00. So color me surprised when I heard that the Seymour Strand Theater was not only encouraging full on costumes, but also selling bags with all the prop pieces you need for the flick - INCLUDING the messy stuff! Rice, toast, squirt guns, confetti, playing cards, you name it and it was in there for a mere $5! (I know, I can already hear you say whaaaaaatttttt from here.) However, this was NOT a midnight screening. Doors opened at 8:15 and there was a costume contest around 9:00. (Which yours truly did enter!) The flick was running by 9:30. All of us Seymorians were back at home by midnight. The freaks came out, but not as late as you'd think.

Prop bags. They were only $5!
I went into full on costume in a short period of time mode, for the second time in 2 weeks. I had to be Magenta. Like it wasn't even an option for anything else. I have a Magenta statue in my living room. I had the perfect idea for my own campy twist on it.

Our car had been getting fixed for the past two weeks, so I lucked out when we got it back in the nick of time for this event. I was able to run out to a local Ocean State Job Lot and buy 2 king size inexpensive pillow cases. I used these to make my apron for the show. I had a black top that had the right plunging neckline and cut for my not so sweet Magenta. Also a black short skirt I had hemmed a few years back. Fishnets are always in my drawer for costume emergencies! I also had a bevvy of false lashes. I went almost full on drag with my make up. Playing up Magenta's eye make up to the extreme and getting almost a Bianca del Rio version for my look. I was pretty pleased. I practiced my intense Magenta face on Instagram too! The response was just what I was hoping for.

Magenta make up test shot. Why yes, that is a doily on my head.
So off we went! It was great - until we pulled in, and I had a moment of panic. Everyone was in street clothes!!!!! We already bought the tickets. I painted my face like a fucking drag queen *panic* am I the only one who did this!?! I calmed myself and my boyfriend and friend helped talk me down a little. Fuck it, who cares. It's fun. That's right it's suppose to be FUN! So I said screw it, I'll be the freak then. I got out of the car and as I was walking across the lot I heard someone yell "Oh thank God!" I looked to my left and a Magenta and Columbia waved at me, half hiding. I waved back and said Yes!!!! Come with me! We'll go together! Instant friends were made and we all walked to the theater.

InstaFriends!
Now here's where things start getting wild. More and more people show up. A few more costumes, people started relaxing and laughing. Then this woman comes up to me and hugs me. She's thanking me for dressing up! She's a little tipsy and super excited about the show. She had been waiting decades to see it with a real audience. She loved Magenta and thanked me over and over for doing such a cool costume and make up. She literally grabs my face and starts reciting my Magenta lines. I admit I froze for a minute. I wasn't sure if she was going to kiss me, rape me, or was just super excited. That moment of what is happening here? She gave me a kiss on the cheek and thanked me for making her night and skipped off into the crowd. I shook off the nervous and thought, well, I guess that was ok. Then I took her picture!

Super excited virgin here! Know your assailant.
Just when I thought this night could not be any more surreal, my Aunt showed up! Aunt Mindy joined us in the crazy fun and brought her own prop bag and party hat! She took pics of me in the costume contest like a proud mama, which rocked! And even jumped on stage to do the Time Warp!

Aunt Mindy!
Magenta & Sleep Over Columbia

Psychedelic Riff Raff

Another lovely Magenta!

Pretty Magentas all in a row.
Inspector Mike led the crowd as our MC. He pulled a "virgin" on stage to teach her the Time Warp. Led us through what to expect, and encouraged everyone on stage to get in on the Time Warp.

The costume contest was a blast. Naturally the dude who showed up with the balls to dress as Frankenfurter won by a landslide! That dude deserved everything he won! That took.....balls, which you could pretty much see... I did not win best Magenta, but I sure as Hell acted like I did! Like a boss!

Guess who's ready for her close up now...


Presenting Seymour's own Frankenfurter!


Everyone was a pile of giggles.
So it was official, this was one crazy night. Who knew all this was hiding in my sweet little Suddenly Seymour. 
1980s

Machete Don't Tweet

12:45:00 PM
Through the powers that be of local New Haven moviedom, I was once again allowed to pre-screen a film before it's public release. I just got back from a late night showing of Machete Kills, Robert Rodriguez's second installment to his camp action flick Machete.


I am a fan of Robert Rodriguez. I don't always love his films. Spy Kids wasn't my cup of tea. However, I find the man himself very inspiring. Back in the mid 90's I watched as four indie directors took Hollywood by storm. Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Kevin Smith and Jim Jarmusch all struck me as these fiercely talented dudes who I could relate to. Rodriguez made El Mariachi which lead to Desperado. I read his book Rebel Without a Crew back then and was just floored. This guy was doing things I'd done! Difference being I was too scared to do anything with the results. He took it a step further by funding his film El Mariachi by being a test subject for long medical trials. He sold his body to science to fund his art. This is a guy I could get behind.
* I believe there is a revised version of this book that now also includes insight from Kevin Smith as well!


Regular readers of my blog may know that I love a good fucked up movie. I mean there are varying degrees of fucked up: so bad it's good, campy, cult, art house, gore, shock and schlock are some of my specialties. Machete was kind enough to combine a little of all of the above plus over the top action and special effects. Fans of bad cinema and bad action sang it's praises.

I would say spoiler alert, but the opening of the film is pretty much spoiler. So suck it up bitch pants I'm just saying it, Machete Part 3 will soon follow. Machete Kills Again... In Space! You get a preview of this awesomeness right off the bat. Boom! One part Star Wars, one part Star Trek sprinkle in tones of Godzilla vs. Space Godzilla add Machete and stir!
So this film's existence as a part 2 is merely to bring it's viewer from point A to point B. You need to see this to go into the next story ark.of Machete in fucking space.

Now here's what you get with the sequel: You still get Machete - Mexican James Bond, loving up the ladies. You still get ridiculous tongue in cheek jokes. Lots of fun explosions and cheesy hilarious fights and deaths. You still get the old 70's exploitation look and feel. You get injustice and most importantly, action and vengeance. But there is a different tone. My fellow theater goers say this was still good, but not as over the top as the original. I agree, it was not. Still good in it's own right.

I don't want to give away the whole movie. But a few things I'd like to touch on.
The return of Michelle Rodriguez and (sorta) Jessica Alba. Awesome! I love when sequels give you details and even closure on a character.
Kudos to Mel Gibson - the villain, and his first ever role as such. He should always be a villain. I couldn't see him as anything else now. (As in real life - haha, zing!) He was very entertaining as Voz, the visionary high tech millionaire bad guy.
El Camaleon - an awesome cheesetastic semi brilliant idea. One character played by four actors: Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lady Gaga and Antonio Banderas. A comic bookesque villain who kills anyone who sees it and then changes it's face... I am a Gaga fan, so very cool to see her on the screen. I only wish she'd had more lines.
Machete does in fact now embrace texting! But Machete don't tweet.
Carlos Estevez = Charlie Sheen using his real name. Well played Carlos, well played...
Sofia Vergara is a psycho villainess Madame, Desdemona. I LOVE a good female villain. She even kind of freaked me out a little in the scene pictured below. I would love to see her play some more deep dark crazy bitch roles. She has carved out a new category for me in types as well, I have discussed sexy/ugly, zombie/pretty. Now Vergara brings sexy/please stay on your half of the room.


What I honestly felt this film was lacking in was the gratuitous sex. I know that's kind of a what- the- who- now thing to say. But this is like making a grilled cheese - hold the cheese. Then you just have fried bread. There were some fun bow chicka bowbow moments, but no wear near enough nakedness. Perhaps that is waiting for the unrated BlueRay version...

What you will get from this is still an attention holding ridiculous exploitation flick so chock full of stars that if you blink you will miss someone. (Actually while I am thinking of it, I am pretty sure Paul Mitchell of hair care fame made a weird cameo..) Perfect for a fun night out.



action movies

The Comeuppance of Ty

9:38:00 AM

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away Ty Bargar, his brother Brett and myself worked at a little place called Best Video. We had a lot of good time there. Most movie rentals were free, patrons frequently asked for our opinions on flicks - some actually excited to hear our reviews, and if you worked there long enough you got immortalized in Best Video history with a staff pics sticker that hosted your name and likeness. Movie geek Nirvana I tell ya! But good times don't last forever. Video stores  have gone the way of  the laser disc since then. Best Video still stands - but is now partly a coffee shop and performance space that has some movies.
The Bargars and I all left Best of our own accord. Ty went renegade and took his movie reviews to the world wide web. Perhaps you've seen his site with Brett, Comeuppance Reviews. Or his previous work with Moe Porne on the podcast Drunk on VHS. He's my friend and a pretty kick ass dude!
I posted this pic of Ty on Facebook once and his Dad got mad. I assured him it was just a pellet gun. Also Ty has lost a lot of weight since this one. But still bad ass! 

Ty, do you know any Karate yet?

Haha, no, but we should know Karate by now! We have seen so many martial arts movies! 
A long time ago, at a birthday party, my sister and I all took a Karate class...the Sensei asked us to say "Kee-yaaaah!" a lot. True story!

How did you and Brett decide to start Comeuppance Reviews?
We noticed there were so many ridiculous action movies like Karate Cop or Shootfighter that no one has seen and thought we can review these with a sense of humor...never serious. 


What has been your favorite movie review for the site?

 Good question. We have a couple favorites: Death Ring, American Kickboxer 2, Night Of The Kickfighters, Ring Of Steel, and Project Eliminator.


How do you guys pick the movies to review? Is there a process?

It definitely has to be off-beat action from the 80s or 90s...where everything was still silly and not politically correct. 

Who are some of your favorite stars of the screen?

 Dolph Lundgren, Cynthia Rothrock, Lorenzo Lamas, Gary Daniels, and Billy Blanks. They always deliver the goods.

Do you consider most of what you review to be camp or serious action and why?

Camp would probably be Night Of The Kickfighters, it is a riot to watch. Adam West at his best. Straight Action: there is a killer flick called Action U.S.A. From beginning to end it is non-stop action.


Please explain to my readers what a triple punch is.

It's one punch from the left, one punch from the right, and then you put your fists together and then strike! BOOM! Triple punch.


1960's

My Career in Vintage

8:39:00 PM
 I recently took a job working for a vintage seller called Vintanthromodern Vintage. I do product photography, post products to their various Etsy shops such as Vintanthromodern Kiddos , as well as look for opportunities for the Vintanthromobile to travel to events.I have started taking on PR and sending out press releases recently. I also help with branching out to consignment shops. It's a lot of fun, a lot of work and I love every second of it.

This week I get to help out with our First Friday Film Series featuring fashion in film at their brick and mortar shop, The English Building Markets located on lower Chapel Street in New Haven. Being a film junkie I am in total heaven! I love talking people up and I love a good film! Showing Friday June 7th at 8pm tickets are only $8 at the door! 

Antonioni's 1966 BLOW UP
***

Recently while helping VV find more vintage clothing opportunities, I had the pleasure of meeting Robin Gilmore. She is the owner of Made in Bridgeport. This gorgeous vintage and hand made boutique is located in downtown Bridgeport at the Bridgeport Marketplace in the historic Arcade Mall. If you have never been, you should check it out, the mall is AMAZING. The mall itself was built in 1889 and has some of the most beautiful sky lighted architecture I have every seen. It's listed on the National Register of Historic Places. A natural choice for Robin's shop, tying in historic with vintage.

I was able to snap some pictures of the lovely vintage displays she was setting up for the grand opening about three weeks ago. There are some really gorgeous finds! I actually picked up a pair of sapphire rhinestone earrings that i just could not resist. I had dreams about them! The next day I went down with inventory and bought them!









Made in Bridgeport is located at 1001-2 Main Street in Bridgeport inside of the Bridgeport Marketplace. New stores are cropping up as well! Go take a gander.
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Brought to you by me! Jillian Lyons Designs!

bad movies

It's Pronounced Vers-ACE!

9:40:00 AM
I am coming to the slow realization that I may actually be a walking stereotype of a big gay man. (For those of you who read and don't know me, I am a woman with a sense of humor, not a man in sexual crisis.) I say this because I have seen exactly two plays this past year. The first being End of the Rainbow, sort of a cheeky dramedy about the last days of Judy Garland. The second being what I just witnessed - Showgirls the Musical. And it's exactly what the title offers, the campy script of Showgirls with added campier song and dance numbers.
I will tell you from the get go, this was a perfect night.
I got to see this with one of my best friends, Aimee and her boyfriend Evan and my boyfriend Matt. It was a packed house with mostly gay men (surprise). I had worn a very bright green top and my boyfriend is part Native American and a pretty big dude. We stuck out quite a bit! I had a moment of concern for my boyfriend, as he looked very uncomfortable. But once the house lights were down, we were all one. A united front of camp loving fanatics who did not stop laughing for a minute!
If you have never seen the movie Showgirls, you may want to see it before reading my review. I have mentioned it in previous posts. It is one of my all time favorite movies! It's not good by any means. It's awesomely bad! To touch on it briefly, it was a big budget movie starring Saved by the Bell's Elizabeth Berkley directed by Paul Verhoven and written by Joe Ezsterhas. Paul Verhoven at the time was known best for big action flicks like Total Recall. This was intended to be his lavish MGM All About Eve-esque showbiz drama infused with sex.
The acting is a train wreck, the characters are insane, most insane being it's main character - one Nomi Malone, who is a horrible temper tantrum whirlwind. Acting like a bitch to everyone she meets and yet everyone constantly wants to help her. But most of all it's a story about women written by men who think women talk mainly about nails, tits and occasionally fajitas. And always yearn to bang each other. Let me repeat - starring ELIZABETH BERKLEY. It is one of the worst movies ever made and won a record breaking number of Razzies.
Now the beauty of this stage show was that it was the most stripped down musical I'd ever seen. There was a guitar and bass player sitting in folding chairs to the left of the stage. That was the ENTIRE music section (who as it turns out, were also the show's writers!). No sets, and hardly any scenery. Maybe $200 worth of gold lame fabric and cheap wigs for wardrobe. It was perfect.
The story followed the Showgirls movie script fairly faithfully and making sure to ham up the lines for extra laughs. Done in a very similar way to the even campier stage play of Valley of the Dolls back in the mid 90's. But taking it a step farther by creating full on musical numbers from it's cast of eight. They took a few liberties here and there. Making the films' characters of Gay the female choreographer, and the snarky gay assistants' character into one glam male character named GAY was a touch of genius. Renaming Kyle MacLachlan's character "KyleMacLachlan" is another.
The songs were tongue in cheek tunes that sang like what fans commentate while watching my beloved Showgirls. Songs like 'Don't Lick That Pole Girl!' sung everything I personally ever wanted to say to Nomi Malone. Or Aimee's favorite about rape revenge, kicking ass and being a 'Whorior' - that's a whore warrior! My favorite, the 'Boat Show' song, which cut the cast yelling "boat show" with cuts of Nomi almost being tricked into hooking herself to a Japanese business man while interspersing the Styx song 'Mr. Roboto' and an actual singing boat. Like seriously, what's NOT to love!

But a lot of the credit is handed to the show's star, Ms. April Kidwell, who looked exactly like Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls right down to the tits! Not only that, but she never missed a beat. She took the over the top Nomi and with her put the screw in screwball. Lucille Ball stripping her way into Goddess at the Stardust! I also have to say this chick was brave! Showgirls is a pretty undressed flick with an NC-17 rating. The musical promises you singing, dancing and tits right on the showbill - and they freaking delivered. April is topless in the first five minutes and is in a g-string dancing at the Cheetah in no time flat. Hilariously, I might add.
Now I can go on and continue to talk about the hilarious use of characters like Molly who was mostly referred to as Black Seamstress. Or Crystal Connors who was beefed up into an even more outrageous coked out star. Or how the cat fighting Goddess dancer cast of characters were changed to the more fitting names of Mittens and Labia. But really there is only one thing left to discuss...
The. Pool. Scene. (Or Nomi's Water Seizure.)
If you don't know what I am talking about you stop it right now! Just stop it. I will not have that in my house! NO! The pool scene is one of the funniest over the top sex scenes in film HISTORY I tell you! I am giving you a chance to have a full on campy audience experience with that right now by watching it here:
So take that, and imagine it with a song about 'Underwater Sex' and a pool made of blue sequence fabric. Yeah. I know. I laughed non-stop.
It was AMAZEBALLS.

The Kraine Theater
85 E 4th St  New York, NY 10003  
(212) 460-0982

NY Times Reviews Showgirls the Musical
BUY TICKETS! (super limited engagement folks!)


bad movies

My Guilty Pleasure Movies

2:22:00 AM

Everyone has them. Those movies that you watch when you're alone. The ones you might not want to admit that you like or even own. Come on, admit it - everyone has a dirty little secret. I'm about to get real up in here. My guilty pleasures are the movies that I genuinely like and not even ironically. I watch them over and over alone in the dark with ice cream. (I miss having my old roommate Meg who would be so kind as to get drunk with me and break out these ridiculous movies all the while saying "you know you love it!") I say I hate romantic comedies... but sometimes... my vagina rears it's ugly...vagina.

1) Waiting to Exhale - It's not the story of friendship and shit. Fuck the sisterhood story. It's all about Angela Basset losing her mind over her man leaving her for a white bitch. First, I identify with that level of pain and heartbreak where you devote your entire self to someone and help them come up, only to have them shit all over you. So yes, setting fire to their status symbols does in fact seem like the appropriate response to that. Whitney Houston's fling with the growling weed man and Gregory Hines secret crush on the big girl Loretta Devine also makes for guilty love. Eventually I went so far as to BUY this movie! Now I just need a rainy day in and Hagan Daaz.

2) He's Just Not That Into You - UGH! This is so fucking embarrassing. I had no intention of ever watching what seemed to be another big budget bullshit movie cashing in on women's relationship sensitivity and exploiting it. I hate Sex and the City, so I never saw that episode that sparked the writing of the book. But sometimes, when I am home alone or am not feeling well, or bored terribly, or drunk I watch things I would never in my right mind view. This was case in point. Sure it was nice to see a gaggle of starlets being ridiculous (ScarJo I think you hear me.) But it was the sweet sincere Ginnifer Goodwin, whom I LOVE on Big Love, that lured me into this otherwise steaming pile. I know her pain of awkwardly trying to find someone to love and just doing one horrible thing after another and scaring men away. So, she got to me. And Jennifer Aniston's quest to get her long time boyfriend the Affleck to take the plunge with her. Then breaking up with him only to go through the biggest family crisis she's ever dealt with. I'm a sucker. I hate to admit it - but I have seen it 5 times this week alone.

3) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - For me this is even worse then owning up to than He's Just Not That Into You. Typical big budget romantic comedy premise. The idea is timeless. It's as if someone took an adorable vintage screwball comedy ala Barbara Stanwyck or Kathryn Hepburn and shit all over it.
But hear me out. It's on this list, so there is something there. I think I was sold by the love fern. It's the idea of a love fern. But we really we know this as the stand in child. I have seen this girl in my friends, or in my male friends doomed new girlfriends who are so caught up in trying to entrap this guy they are super hot for into being the one. Awkward hilarity ensues. So, yeah, I kind of enjoyed it. Matthew McConaughey is dumb as shit, but who cares as long as he's shirtless. Oh and same goes for Kate Hudson, as long as someone puts tape on her mouth and I get to call her Penny Lane...

4) Music & Lyrics - A bit of an obvious guilty pleasure. Anyone who knows me well can probably figure out the attraction for me. It's that brilliantly cliche mock 80's pop tune POP Goes My Heart! That song gets into my head on such a regular basis that I actually forget that it's not from a real band! I love the Wham! mock band. I love the aging Hugh Grant playing to house wives at Knotts Berry Farms. I like Drew Barrymore as the semi-neurotic but sweetly talented un-songwriter. This is also one of the few times where I still find Drew Barrymore's weird lispy lip thing cute and not a tragic sad gimic. I rooted for these characters to get together! OH and I have to say I love love love the ridiculous character of Cora! An amalgamation of Madonna going through her zen-tantric phase, Shakira (who is breathing down her neck!) and Britney pre-crazy but post slutty. Ugh, they had me at 80's.

5) Steel Magnolia's - Truly a movie I can only watch ALONE. Although there was this one time that my very tough hispanic lesbian friend Patti and I found ourselves glued to the set and crying watching this, when suddenly my boyfriend of the time comes home early and stops dead in his tracks. "What the hell is going on?" He looks scared. "What did you do to Patti!" He yells at me. Patti is embarrassed and trying to Kleenex her way back to normal. "It just gets to me yo!" she snibbles. "But Patti! Your my homeboy! Homeboys DON'T cry at this shit!" Well apparently homeboys DO cry at this shit, like bitches.
Hence why I have to be alone to watch it.
I have diabetes. So now this movie gets to me even more and on a bigger, harder level. The movie centers around Truvy's Beauty Parlor and Julia Roberts, who is a selfish southern girl, a diabetic, and a stubborn woman determined to get married and have a baby despite her condition. She does this and her family and friends laugh love and rejoice, until Julia over does it and is hospitalized, then dies. Her little baby toddler cutie pants son finds her collapsed and is home alone for hours screaming before anyone finds them and 911 is called.
The worst part of this is god damn Sally Field. GOD DAMN SALLY FIELD! I'm not made out of stone here people. When she has her breakdown in the funeral scene and screams at the top of her lungs 'I WANT TO KNOW WHHHHYYYY!!!" I snap and cry every fucking time. She's not phoning this one in, it's genuine heart felt rage. It's the pain of losing someone way too soon, and everyone in the scene as well as in the audience can feel it.
While Daryl Hannah can go fuck herself for even bothering to be in this movie of otherwise interesting characters, I find more redeeming qualities in the other plot lines and actresses. I love Dolly Parton no matter what the role is. I love Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis constantly sparring it out through the film, and the inside of joke of track lighting = GAY. Ugh, of all my guilty pleasures this is the one that is the worst and runs the deepest. If it's on and I'm alone, chances are I'm watching.
1960's

Desperately Seeking Neely O'Hara

4:39:00 PM
I've spent almost my entire movie fandom life chasing the proverbial dragon. At the tender age of ten years old I fell in love with all things camp. I was home alone for the first time and I rode my bike to the local video store and rented the new release of Hairspray. Filled with hair detentions, men as mothers, and a telling of a counter culture I had yet to experience, I had found my Utopia. I wanted to live in the world of the slightly reality based but mostly unreal technicolor sunshine!

So John Waters' Baltimore lead the way to my discovery of cult films. I explored exploitation and trash, indie and art house. But it wasn't until the late 1990's that I found what would be my one true love. I rented a film called Valley of the Dolls. I knew nothing of the late great Jackie Susann or her scandalous novels. I had always had a slight affection for classic films. But it had never occurred to me to search for classic BAD films. Valley of the Dolls was like finding the Holy Grail.
Upon first viewing I was engrossed. It set a criteria for me on which I now base my love of a quintessential wonderfully bad flick.

1) There must be an identifiable female lead in turmoil. In VOTD it could be all of these characters. Jennifer, the hot bitch with "only a body" and no talent. Anne, the good girl who falls into stardom and love with the wrong man. Helen Lawson, the old star who's still fighting to stay a star. And the BEST of all Neely O'Hara. She is the scrappy go-getter. She's got the talent and the drive but she just can't get by without that damn booze and dope. I heart Neely.

2) There must be loud ridiculous costumes and/or sets. Luckily for VOTD it was the mid 60's and Travilla did the gowns. GOOD GOD! They are so beaded and bright and fabulous. Travilla had done many trademark gowns for Marilyn Monroe, Jane Russell and Elizabeth Taylor. But these were like Travilla on psychedelics! Maddening!



3) There must be scandal! The more the merrier!
VOTD is chock full of scandal! Now this is the point in which I'd like to recommend the book. If you have not read it, well you are a fool. Every library has it, I think at one point it out sold the Bible. So find it and pour over it's juicy narrative. Flick wise, the movie is fine on it's own. Separate it from the film. You really need to think of it as an entirely different entity. The film includes infidelity, disease, abortion, drug addiction, porn (ze art films?) ugh and so much more! You have to remember that this was made very much so in a time where these things were only discussed in the smarmy underbelly of film. So kind of ahead of it's time.


4) Lastly, it has to have every person on the film making the worst possible decision through out every frame. Valley of the Dolls is a wonderfully bad film for a myriad of magical reasons that all come together. The director seems more focused on the look rather than the actors. The actors seem to be trying to out chew one another on a buffet of scenery. The music is hilarious. The things that should have been cut out of the film and are oddly over looked (pay special attention to Patty Dukes boobs in the scene where she sings on a telethon.) It all culminates into movie magic!

I have only found a few other flicks that have met this criteria:
Showgirls, Total Recall, Black Book,(Paul Verhoeven is the patron saint of big budget camp!) Glitter, Peyton Place, and some Douglas Sirk flicks. They are rare gems to be treasured.
However, everyday I yearn for something similar. I'm forever chasing Neely. Looking for the next flick to appease my heart and fill the void that Valley has so thoroughly created.

Originally published in Come On Flick Me 1/2/11
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