I am coming to the slow realization that I may actually be a walking stereotype of a big gay man. (For those of you who read and don't know me, I am a woman with a sense of humor, not a man in sexual crisis.) I say this because I have seen exactly two plays this past year. The first being End of the Rainbow, sort of a cheeky dramedy about the last days of Judy Garland. The second being what I just witnessed - Showgirls the Musical. And it's exactly what the title offers, the campy script of Showgirls with added campier song and dance numbers.

Everyone has them. Those movies that you watch when you're alone. The ones you might not want to admit that you like or even own. Come on, admit it - everyone has a dirty little secret. I'm about to get real up in here. My guilty pleasures are the movies that I genuinely like and not even ironically. I watch them over and over alone in the dark with ice cream. (I miss having my old roommate Meg who would be so kind as to get drunk with me and break out these ridiculous movies all the while saying "you know you love it!") I say I hate romantic comedies... but sometimes... my vagina rears it's ugly...vagina.

1) Waiting to Exhale - It's not the story of friendship and shit. Fuck the sisterhood story. It's all about Angela Basset losing her mind over her man leaving her for a white bitch. First, I identify with that level of pain and heartbreak where you devote your entire self to someone and help them come up, only to have them shit all over you. So yes, setting fire to their status symbols does in fact seem like the appropriate response to that. Whitney Houston's fling with the growling weed man and Gregory Hines secret crush on the big girl Loretta Devine also makes for guilty love. Eventually I went so far as to BUY this movie! Now I just need a rainy day in and Hagan Daaz.

2) He's Just Not That Into You - UGH! This is so fucking embarrassing. I had no intention of ever watching what seemed to be another big budget bullshit movie cashing in on women's relationship sensitivity and exploiting it. I hate Sex and the City, so I never saw that episode that sparked the writing of the book. But sometimes, when I am home alone or am not feeling well, or bored terribly, or drunk I watch things I would never in my right mind view. This was case in point. Sure it was nice to see a gaggle of starlets being ridiculous (ScarJo I think you hear me.) But it was the sweet sincere Ginnifer Goodwin, whom I LOVE on Big Love, that lured me into this otherwise steaming pile. I know her pain of awkwardly trying to find someone to love and just doing one horrible thing after another and scaring men away. So, she got to me. And Jennifer Aniston's quest to get her long time boyfriend the Affleck to take the plunge with her. Then breaking up with him only to go through the biggest family crisis she's ever dealt with. I'm a sucker. I hate to admit it - but I have seen it 5 times this week alone.

3) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - For me this is even worse then owning up to than He's Just Not That Into You. Typical big budget romantic comedy premise. The idea is timeless. It's as if someone took an adorable vintage screwball comedy ala Barbara Stanwyck or Kathryn Hepburn and shit all over it.
But hear me out. It's on this list, so there is something there. I think I was sold by the love fern. It's the idea of a love fern. But we really we know this as the stand in child. I have seen this girl in my friends, or in my male friends doomed new girlfriends who are so caught up in trying to entrap this guy they are super hot for into being the one. Awkward hilarity ensues. So, yeah, I kind of enjoyed it. Matthew McConaughey is dumb as shit, but who cares as long as he's shirtless. Oh and same goes for Kate Hudson, as long as someone puts tape on her mouth and I get to call her Penny Lane...

4) Music & Lyrics - A bit of an obvious guilty pleasure. Anyone who knows me well can probably figure out the attraction for me. It's that brilliantly cliche mock 80's pop tune POP Goes My Heart! That song gets into my head on such a regular basis that I actually forget that it's not from a real band! I love the Wham! mock band. I love the aging Hugh Grant playing to house wives at Knotts Berry Farms. I like Drew Barrymore as the semi-neurotic but sweetly talented un-songwriter. This is also one of the few times where I still find Drew Barrymore's weird lispy lip thing cute and not a tragic sad gimic. I rooted for these characters to get together! OH and I have to say I love love love the ridiculous character of Cora! An amalgamation of Madonna going through her zen-tantric phase, Shakira (who is breathing down her neck!) and Britney pre-crazy but post slutty. Ugh, they had me at 80's.

5) Steel Magnolia's - Truly a movie I can only watch ALONE. Although there was this one time that my very tough hispanic lesbian friend Patti and I found ourselves glued to the set and crying watching this, when suddenly my boyfriend of the time comes home early and stops dead in his tracks. "What the hell is going on?" He looks scared. "What did you do to Patti!" He yells at me. Patti is embarrassed and trying to Kleenex her way back to normal. "It just gets to me yo!" she snibbles. "But Patti! Your my homeboy! Homeboys DON'T cry at this shit!" Well apparently homeboys DO cry at this shit, like bitches.
Hence why I have to be alone to watch it.
I have diabetes. So now this movie gets to me even more and on a bigger, harder level. The movie centers around Truvy's Beauty Parlor and Julia Roberts, who is a selfish southern girl, a diabetic, and a stubborn woman determined to get married and have a baby despite her condition. She does this and her family and friends laugh love and rejoice, until Julia over does it and is hospitalized, then dies. Her little baby toddler cutie pants son finds her collapsed and is home alone for hours screaming before anyone finds them and 911 is called.
The worst part of this is god damn Sally Field. GOD DAMN SALLY FIELD! I'm not made out of stone here people. When she has her breakdown in the funeral scene and screams at the top of her lungs 'I WANT TO KNOW WHHHHYYYY!!!" I snap and cry every fucking time. She's not phoning this one in, it's genuine heart felt rage. It's the pain of losing someone way too soon, and everyone in the scene as well as in the audience can feel it.
While Daryl Hannah can go fuck herself for even bothering to be in this movie of otherwise interesting characters, I find more redeeming qualities in the other plot lines and actresses. I love Dolly Parton no matter what the role is. I love Shirley MacLaine and Olympia Dukakis constantly sparring it out through the film, and the inside of joke of track lighting = GAY. Ugh, of all my guilty pleasures this is the one that is the worst and runs the deepest. If it's on and I'm alone, chances are I'm watching.

It's no secret that very unexpectedly in the Fall of 2010 I was hospitalized and diagnosed with some serious Cancer. It was very scary. It was Cancer of the Uterine lining that had metastasized into lung and breast Cancer. I was on an oxygen machine for a few months and had to start chemo immediately. I did my first does of chemo right there in my hospital room. When I cam home all of my hair fell out in less then a week. On top of this, I had to have a full hysterectomy which meant no children in my future and an early menopause. My hormones shifted and I had more testosterone in my body then I could handle and estrogen therapy wasn't an option. I felt like I was cracking up. Who was I?

Jillian after hair fell out.

Naturally this all hit me very hard emotionally. My self esteem plummeted. I felt like a big bald blob. Everything that made me feel like a woman was gone. Literally! I cried all the time and mourned what felt like the loss of my femininity. I spent most of my days on the couch or in bed watching lots of TV in hopes of forgetting about everything. In my mind I couldn't even say I was still a woman. I just felt like an It.

My boyfriend at the time was very supportive. He did his best to try and let me know he still thought I was the same attractive woman he loved. That being bald was sexy too and lucky for me he was into it. But I still didn't feel like me. I just felt like a weepy gender confused mess. Then we started watching RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3 on VH1. We were hooked! Both of us loved the show and would watch it together.

 There was a huge part of me that identified with these drag queens. These were men who with a pretty wig and the flip of a make up brush were more feminine then I ever was - lady junk and all! Fashionistas who were part illusionist. It was like each Queen was giving me their own lesson on what was pretty and what made a woman. It gave me hope.

I started taking mental note of how all the contestants put on their wigs. Did they pin? Use tape? I learned how to style my wigs, store them, keep them clean. I learned how to match make up to a wig. I would take all of my make up and sit in the bathroom and create a face to match my hair style. I was inspired to buy better clothes. I even learned how to walk in heels. If that dude could do it by sheer will power, so could I! These bitches even made their own clothes and jewelry like me! So slowly over the course of Season 3, I became a Queen as well. 

RuPaul became a positive role model for me during chemo. "If you can't love yourself how the Hell you gonna love somebody else"  became a personal mantra constantly reminding it's ok to be like this. I had to love me regardless. That I didn't need to play a character in a wig. I just had to keep doing me, the best I could. Cancer shmancer poopoo. I could use wigs and clothes to express how I was feeling each day and still be ME. The same female me I've always been. Ru preaching love yourself no matter what really struck me right in the heart. See Ru and her queens made me want to get up out of bed and put my wig on. It made me want to be fabulous!
I became a fan of Ru's music again. Whenever I got down on myself songs like Champion and Jealous of My Boogie picked me up again. And just when I thought I'd learned everything, RuPaul's Drag U started airing on Logo. I saw women who were going through life changes like me, and being dragged up to learn to love themselves again! By God - drag saves!

The fabulous RuPaul.

Of all the Queens of Season 3, two stood out for me.  Raja was my biggest inspiration. When Raja walked out in her punk look on Season 3, my mind was blown. He was a tough guy, AND a hot bitch walking the line of male and female. I felt like that. I understood that. Not only that but her look came from the same places mine did - pin ups, glam and punk.
Patrice Royale was another inspiration, her story made me cry. She was in prison and a big girl at that. She overcame everything in her life and still had the courage to line those lips and say I am Patrice Muther Fuckin Royale!

Ru is now on Season 5 of Drag Race and my hair has grown back in. I am still going through recovery and am doing great - still becoming me again. While I will never know how hard it is to come out of the closet, and then come out of the drag closet - I do know what it's like to fight to be a woman. RuPaul where ever you are, thank you.

Raja

Patrice Royale

I have always been good at beefing up resumes and shining during a job interview. I don't mean that in a toot your own horn kind of way. I have had a lot of experience as an employer and employee. This week I just landed myself a new job that I am super excited about. It got me thinking about people I love who have been having a tough time finding work. I literally just spent part of my evening helping my Mom learn how to attach a resume to an email. Over the summer I helped my Dad b y forwarding him job listings. A few weeks ago I even updated a resume for one of my managers.

So here is my advice to anyone job hunting, I hope it helps!
1) Over Do It From the Start! I mean it. If this is a job you are interested in then you need to be down right competitive about it. If there is an application, bring a resume, if it requires a call, make a follow up call. And if they don't respond, make them respond. Call, email and re apply. Persistence is key. The extra's show your attention to detail.
2) Dress to Impress. The worst thing you can do is go through all of that work and then walk in looking like you're next stop is the laundromat. Do it up right! Even if it is a cashier's job! No jeans, t-shirts, bar clothes, stretch pants, etc. At the minimum, dress pants and a button down shirt. If you don't own a good interview outfit, try Macy's. Their clearance items are usually for the season you are in and you can find some great things very cheap! Walmart carries a brand called George that also makes for great inexpensive interview wear.
3)Research! Be sure you know about the brand and business you'll be working for. Look for their website, reviews of the business and their product, and the product itself. Just about every business has a website and somewhere on that sight you will find some sort of About Us page.

Who are they and what do they stand for? Know what you are getting into. Be sure this is a business you'd be proud to work for.

4)Confidence and Enthusiasm. When you land that all important interview, confidence in yourself and enthusiasm for the job is so key. You have to believe that you are the right person for this job. If you doubt yourself, how can you possibly make anyone else think you can do the job? I always drink an energy drink and psych myself up before meeting with someone important. If you're excited, then they are excited. And more excited about hiring YOU.
5) Stay CALM. This is a tough one. Personally, I am a nervous person in general. So when I head into an interview I have to remind myself to fight my fears and stay calm and focused. How long can this take? It will be quick, and if they don't want me, then their loss. Getting a good night's sleep really helps! Try and think of this as a meeting and you are in control. Tough I know, but you can do it!
6) Interview Them Back. You are going to be spending like 50% or more of your time with the people at your potential new job. So bring a notebook and ask, ask, ask! Find out who they are. Doing this once got me a job I never thought I'd get. The manager was so impressed by my asking questions and writing down his answers that he called me and hired me as soon as I left the building.
7) Let Them Know You're Good! When you are interviewing, be open and honest. If you left your last job because you're manager sucked, tell them! There is nothing wrong with saying a job didn't fit your life or that you didn't like who you worked with. I left my current job because of health issues. In my interview for my new job, I said that. Well I got the job AND due to my health I can work this position from my home office.

Also, let them know you're a professional by following up your interview with an email to say thank you for their time and consideration of you. It's polite and extremely professional. Of course you're on top of things!